I'm Sold

That's it. We're getting a new TV







and some ginger ale



condoms too.

the poor man's...

The Bowling Trophy



is the poor man's Oscar

Sexy Disco Shit

Maybe Disc Jockey Balboa would care to comment on this....

Petey Pablo |MTV Music

Barf

Thing I hate, why do you pollute the things I love?

The poor man's...

Michael Douglas is

the poor man's Kirk Douglas


Hasselhof is

the poor man's Kurt Russel is

the poor man's Swayze


Goldie Hawn is

the poor man's (and also sucks slightly less than) Meg Ryan


the right hand is the poor man's fifi towel

cricket is the poor man's baseball

the poor man's capitalist is poor

the poor man's web dictionary doesn't even have real words in it

what is the poor man's Bugatti?



-Yo soy

Performative Magic

The stupidest yet most impressive of all stagecraft.



Look at their stiff, steppy legs! The dramatic pointy feet! The sparkles, the arms. How DO they do that?

Sexy Sexuality

Cosmopolitan Magazine would like you to have sex. Cosmopolitan Magazine wants you to Turn him on in 10 Words or Less. Cosmopolitan Magazine thinks you don't know how to say "Let's do a sex" with your mouth. Cosmopolitan Magazine assembled a crack team of 13 year olds and their 40-something old cool moms to help you to do sex to somebody. I will tell you who wrote which txter.



I was a BAD GIRL and spent my lunch hour shopping. You can spank me later.
(40 y.o. - leopard-print cell phone case. Also, this is over 10 words.)

Got a new showerhead — the detachable kind. The pressure's awesome.
(13 y.o. - sleepover dare txt. Pretends she knows what this means, is secretly confused as rest of assembled guests.)

There's a VIP-only party @ [fill in your address here] 2nite.
(13 y.o. does not know what 2 do w/ this template; sends as-is.)

TDTM (translation: text dirty to me)
(40 y.o. obviates slang with awkward explanation)

Don't do much @ the gym...save energy for L8R.
(Gross 13 y.o. txting gross boy w/ floppy/poofy hairdo, brown flip-flops)

Ur picturing me (a) naked, (b) in a Jacuzzi, (c) both
(13 y.o. - teens luv jacuzzis, want 2 party in them)

Was in such a rush! 4got 2 wear a bra.
(Either, liar)

Can I bring anything 4 our d8? Wine? Chocolate sauce?
(11 y.o.)

I'm in dressing room @ the mall...in a thong.
(40 y.o. & 13 y.o. trying on identical Juicy sweats; naughtily sending duplicate txts from adjoining dressing rooms)

Ur ass looks gr8 in those jeans.
(13 y.o. @ state fair 4-H livestock Costume Critter Contest)

I'll pole dance 4 you. U bring the pole...
(40, likes ethnic dancing, is embarrassed when b.f. arrives at dance studio fully engorged.)

Found my old cheerleading uniform. Still fits.
(13 y.o., meant to type "unicorn." T9 = whoops.)

My roommate is out of town. Let's throw a party tonight — for two.
(13, "roommate" = mom, party = toothy b.j.)

Splurged at Victoria's Secret. A girl can't have too many lacy panties, can she?
(40 y.o. misspelling "spooged")

No movies out I want to see. Other ideas for what we can do in the dark?
(13 or 40 - blind)

This link comes to you courtesy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Sucks More Than Anything Else

I can't think of any "musician" or musical act that I like less than Johnathan Mayer. What a shitty piece of shit. How is this guy so famous. Is it just that he knows a bunch of famous people or, is his uncle a record exec? It seems that's how talentless dick heads get record deals.

Johnny, Don't take your self seriously,ever. You suck.

Bumper Cars

These fucking bumper protectors are the stupidest things I've ever seen. It's a bumper. That's what it's for. But I guess when you're leasing a car you can't afford you really want to make sure you're not losing any money on the deal. Oh wait, you are losing money. You don't own it. While these morons think that dangling a rubber matt out of their trunk will keep their bumpers in that new car smell I'll keep driving the Brown Bomber and scraping up the corners of their bumpers every time I pull in and out of my spot. This is all the protection a discerning philistine needs on his bumper.

The Original "Sucks Slightly Less Than"

In so much as they both blow,



The Rocket Man sucks slightly less than:




The Piano Man

It's Perfect

Commitment, synchronicity, dancing: Patrick Swayze.

I only wish his wife was a polar bear.

Stay Offa the Nets!

There are a lot of videos on the internet. I mean really. A lot.
All of the ones not about fucking are mostly about people getting hurt and looking like dicks. Here is a guide to not getting your video on the internet.

-Don't be fat
-No dancing
-Don't sing
-Avoid appearing heartfelt
-If you do get hurt, don't do funny noises or roll around
-Stay off of tables, fatty
-No weddings
-If you have a vindictive lover, destroy all media immediately
-If you are five weeks old, don't be an ocelot.

If I see any of you dicks on the internet looking like dicks, I'm gonna take a video of it, and put it on the internet.

-Breezy 'n' Philistine

Scooters, Vacation, Fall

This isn't a new video. But this magazine isn't about bringing you the latest vids, pics, and hits - it's about sterling commentary. And scoffing. This has all the important factors of good internet:

-slavs
-white hip hoppers
-enthusiasm
-public alone time
-weird ambient sound
-pratfalls and
-bloopers

-Lil' Breezy

Issuing a Challenge

An open letter to Terry McNamara.

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

Terry McNamara? More like terry CLOTH, the way you've been sucking... up the moisture, if moisture is not writing. Because it isn't the heat that gets you, it's the humidity. This once I was at a conference in Arizona, Tucson I believe. And I do believe. Believe that you should put down the MDF and lay off the 3-D modeling and defend your place around this web empire.
"Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog?" That hardly even fits into one of our Feature categories. "Fret"? I remember when this online internet web consortium was about guns and the shooting of guns, not mooning over pups like a gaggle of pre-teen boys, wet behind the ears and barely out of short pants. So put on your long pants and sop up your ear juice: put up a post.

Yours,

The Editor$

Also

Hometown pride: the 1972 electoral map.

VICTORY

Sarah's tears

So the Obama's are getting a puppy. But who care's its not really news anyway. I want a puppy. No one blogged about that. Well someone may have reported on it in an internet based gazette but that's different.

-Yo soy.

Your Weekend Plans

I used to pasture in Massachusetts. And so I have the authority to inform you on some leisure updates from that area.

As of this morning you can poke a dozen joints into your mouth and even smoke them, but you must have $100 to pay the fine if you are caught. You can obtain this penal money by tapping into your gambling jar, because dog racing isn't allowed there anymore. Yours is a skinny state, top to bottom, so you can rip up to New Hampshire and do your betting there. Having spent the sticky change in your gambling jar, you will only be able to bet the $1.18 you have saved on state cigarette tax. Maybe you will win something! Then you can spend your hard-lucked-into winnings on boozes at an affordable, state-run liquor store and bring it on back down to Massachusetts for your same-sex wedding which you are still allowed to have.

Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem.

-Breezy Palomino

In So Much as They Both Rock

Sucks slightly less than...

Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog

I don't think it's wrong to workshop a joke. If you are saving a one-liner for that special someone, why not try it once or twice on a less-critical audience? For instance, if you often talk to a little sister who's quite funny - and a judger - I'd say you are well within your rights to tell the Discerning Philistine that you just played with a teeny, baby, tiny, puppy beagle in a jacket who "crushed your entire heart". Your Discerning Philistine loves anything about dogs, he'll lap up whatever you toss him.
Your sister hates dogs though, and says she won't come over anymore if you get one. So you simply have to save the better joke for her. In her case, the puppy "peed all over your heart". And it's quite bad taste, if admirable honesty, for her to make you acknowledge the provenance of your work-shopped joke.

Note: Pictures of chimps aren't across-the-board funny, and too many of us rely on them. I'm referencing this one as an instance of a joke that ought to be work-shopped. For example, would a picture of a thoughtful cat be better? Perhaps a stock photo of a man? A child with a fishin' pole - but no fish???

-Lil' Breezy

I want a dog soooo bad

Tips 'n' Tricks (Or Treats?)

Halloween costumes are great.
Obviously slutty cats are stupid, unless they are extremely cheap. If you bought it at CVS, you can count on looking trashy enough that it'll be understood you're dressing as a "sexy cat Halloween costume". You can tell this lady is right on track- she has to hold up the tail to keep it attached and she's standing on one leg to keep the pants up. Nicely done.

A better option is the existing-clothes route. Breezy Palomino is going to be a corn plant this year. That just means wearing brown shoes to represent the dark, rich earth; green legs to be the lushly fertile, planty stems; and a loud sweater to be the life-giving yellow corn itself. This is a photograph of me this morning:

And obviously the Discerning Philistine is going to be a cowboy.

-Lil Bree$y

Things that are Never True

1) Mmmm, that incense smells great!
2) This is the perfect weather for my fleece jacket and river sandals. I just get so cold up top and hot down bottom.
3) I can't stand it anymore - if the Republicans win, I'm moving to Canada!
4) I found your freestyle very illuminating.
5) I could've never gotten this job without my liberal arts degree.
6) Is there any more barbecued tempeh? It's delicious!
7) I'm not stupid, it's just computers hate me! Every time I get near one, it's like, "Oh no! Here comes Becky, I better just completely boot down or whatever!"

Gettin' Handsy

A man with no fingers

sucks slightly less than


a man with very long fingernails.

(The Very Hungry Caterpillar)

Still here

Imagine how angry Zach De La Rocha



got when he heard about Abu Ghraib



-Yo soy

Crazy? No, I say Charisma.

What Web Empire is This?

Lest you begin to think you've been reading Concern: The Magazine about Anxiety or its free bi-weekly partner publication Fret here on this site, I have some more traditional Discerning Philistine content for you today.

The Discerning Philistine hates antique shops. They're crammed with all manner of lacy glassware and you can't touch anything. You know that. Plus he hates sloth, and laziness. A lack of professionalism really gets under his Carhartts, and he's no fan of the Yankees.

When he makes a "To Do" list, he writes "Can Do" at the top, because he likes that better. And the man loves ham. Lord, does he love ham, and pork is his favorite vegetable.

Fall

Do you get very hungry come fall? I do, and my fingers get cold and stiff.

Christ, I could eat a leaf!

Fractals in our Lives Today

The romanesco is a fractal. It is bright yellow-green, and it is perfect.

It will teach you about emergent behavior, if you let it lead you around the net. Each of its nub spirals comes whirling out of another nub spiral, and I think it must be grown on top of a spiraling pile of dirt on the side of a spiraling mountain.

Sometimes I think about perfect things. The Discerning Philistine finds the concept of perfection insulting, but loves puppies.

Imagine this dog:

Extrapolate the Jindo dog's tail into a fractal. Would you still want that dog? The Jindo dog can housetrain itself. I hear they are sort of jerks but as far as I can tell they are fluffy and their tails are all curled up in the way I like.

But the thing about dogs is, does dog love exhibit emergent behavior? Would you love it and love it more and more if it pees in your house but snuggles you? And should I get one? I'm sure I don't know.

Stuff: What's Up With That?

This is a special edition directed towards The Very Hungry Caterpillar, who is so much younger than everybody else. The 'Pillar left I comment saying how glad the 'Pillar is to have us back.

Oh, and I'm glad to "bee back," little fuzzy. (Like, picture a bee's back or a shirt made to look like that.) The thing about the internet is you think your photo researcher team will be able to find a photo for every occasion, but it just isn't so. This'll do I guess:



But it isn't really the same as what I am picturing, which is less scientific and softer. So here is a new concept: reality-internet fusion blogging. This is when, for example, I, from here inside the netz, tell you to picture something and you do picture it conceptually INSIDE your meats and bones. And another example is somewhat different but that's when your mom tells you about "a really great YouTube" that she saw so she (I'm sitting upright suddenly, really gettin' after this one) is like REAL WORLD forwarding it to you. She told you it with her mouth and then you just have to take it to the netz and look it up. That happened to me with a thing about neti pots.

NEwayz, did you ever notice how the whites and things write things like "netz", "NEwayz", and "Sup?" What I mean is, slangy things they don't say in real life, making a sort of e-bonics (like e-mail, do you get it?). Just something I noticed over here.

Yours, inside the tubes,

Lil' Bree$y

Hi Friends

Something that's boring about blogs is the thing where all they are is someone Googling around for something funny you've already seen and then giving it to you. This ends up in me receiving a particular ethnically-targeted video about grandmas some FIVE times in one day. We're all just skimming the sticky top off of the internet - but I personally don't have what it takes to delve beneath.

I'll give you a picture to make rest your eyes:

But I don't want to just give you any videos right now. What do you think about that picture? So funny, right? But like I could see getting into those costumes, it's just your hair would be so smooth and sometimes those tights make your legs cold but the clacky shoes would be f-u-n fun.

I'm sorry, I haven't apologized, I'm just trying to DANCE around it I guess. What I mean is, at least four people really liked to read this and people have been asking about it and it's like, I just left you all hanging, and that's like so f-ed up. When I know my online internet web-based idea log really meant a lot to you. So The Discerning Philistine works a lot, and Terry McNamara is getting educated, but I'm here for you. I'm here. Sh-sh-shhh, I'm here.

I'll do what it takes to win you over, if doing what it takes is:

Typing REALLY FAST!

Thinking of jokes to keep you laughing

and

Looking on the internet some.

-Lil' Bree$y

Hey World

Hey Guys,

Sorry it's been so long between posts! I've been really busy with my voiceover business. I record skits on a lot of rap artists' ringtones, and I did the laff trak on this film:


My album drops May 15th! It's a conceptual ringtone series, co-sponsored by the LG network. It's a Southern-Rap-Bass-in-your-Fass piece, the theme is "Life is Good," because isn't it just?

Stay Real Breezy.

Musings

You should look up some videos of those things on YouTube. It's a pretty neat site - I think you'll like it!


Synchro Swimmin'


Drumlines


Dressage - it's really beautiful, right?


Rrrrockin' bloopers vids!

Tips from a pro,
Breezy Palomino

This Just In...

...yes, that's what she said.

Spring breezes tickle, and Lil' Breezy posts.

In the parcel post, this editor received a communique from Yeaux Michel, our "probably - not actually - French correspondent and a connoisseur of the finer upholstered furnishings of the world." Who is the man behind the press release? Quit being nosy and look at his findings:

Surely you've seen the widely-electronically-mailed story about the soda machine outfits? Or do you waste all your days in the damn sunshine like a god-damn child?



Well that's a fine disguise if you hang out in the soda machine district, as some of you do. But for those of us who hang out in even stickier, sweeter sections of downtown comes this.



It has "scuffmarks and stains around the bottom" - settle in, kids.

MESSAGE!

Look out Tay Zonday.




I love songs with a message.

Today in the e-Parcel Post

Today I opened the Lil' Breezy e-parcel postage-mail box and found this gem. Uncles - can't beat 'em!

"I believe in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live there needs to be a message of hope. Just a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace and joy!

"An image that suggests the universal brotherhood of man. I have found that image, and I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it..."


(That sign says "The Beer Store", FYI)

PARTY!!! WOOOOO!!!

Nothing takes me back to high school like sneaking off with some booze and passing out on the beach.

Giant Babies

Today's "Beneath Contempt" comes to you from the streets of New York City. Most of our readers are probably familiar with Razor scooters. Sure, I bet your 12 year-old cousin loves hers. But unless you live in New York you've probably never seen a full grown adult using one of these toys as a mode of transportation.
A discerning philistine knows when to put away childish things. It's better to walk then to scoot around looking like a giant baby.

This Month in the Parcel Post!

The Discerning Philistine adores magazines because they're not so long as books. He's a subscriber:

Leisureman

Debonaire

Big Apple Weekly!

Microwave Magic

Hobbycraftsman

Intellectual Panegyric

Bobbers 'n' Worms

Hungree Man

Pretty Pictures