Bumper Cars

These fucking bumper protectors are the stupidest things I've ever seen. It's a bumper. That's what it's for. But I guess when you're leasing a car you can't afford you really want to make sure you're not losing any money on the deal. Oh wait, you are losing money. You don't own it. While these morons think that dangling a rubber matt out of their trunk will keep their bumpers in that new car smell I'll keep driving the Brown Bomber and scraping up the corners of their bumpers every time I pull in and out of my spot. This is all the protection a discerning philistine needs on his bumper.

Stay Offa the Nets!

There are a lot of videos on the internet. I mean really. A lot.
All of the ones not about fucking are mostly about people getting hurt and looking like dicks. Here is a guide to not getting your video on the internet.

-Don't be fat
-No dancing
-Don't sing
-Avoid appearing heartfelt
-If you do get hurt, don't do funny noises or roll around
-Stay off of tables, fatty
-No weddings
-If you have a vindictive lover, destroy all media immediately
-If you are five weeks old, don't be an ocelot.

If I see any of you dicks on the internet looking like dicks, I'm gonna take a video of it, and put it on the internet.

-Breezy 'n' Philistine

Your Weekend Plans

I used to pasture in Massachusetts. And so I have the authority to inform you on some leisure updates from that area.

As of this morning you can poke a dozen joints into your mouth and even smoke them, but you must have $100 to pay the fine if you are caught. You can obtain this penal money by tapping into your gambling jar, because dog racing isn't allowed there anymore. Yours is a skinny state, top to bottom, so you can rip up to New Hampshire and do your betting there. Having spent the sticky change in your gambling jar, you will only be able to bet the $1.18 you have saved on state cigarette tax. Maybe you will win something! Then you can spend your hard-lucked-into winnings on boozes at an affordable, state-run liquor store and bring it on back down to Massachusetts for your same-sex wedding which you are still allowed to have.

Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem.

-Breezy Palomino

Hi Friends

Something that's boring about blogs is the thing where all they are is someone Googling around for something funny you've already seen and then giving it to you. This ends up in me receiving a particular ethnically-targeted video about grandmas some FIVE times in one day. We're all just skimming the sticky top off of the internet - but I personally don't have what it takes to delve beneath.

I'll give you a picture to make rest your eyes:

But I don't want to just give you any videos right now. What do you think about that picture? So funny, right? But like I could see getting into those costumes, it's just your hair would be so smooth and sometimes those tights make your legs cold but the clacky shoes would be f-u-n fun.

I'm sorry, I haven't apologized, I'm just trying to DANCE around it I guess. What I mean is, at least four people really liked to read this and people have been asking about it and it's like, I just left you all hanging, and that's like so f-ed up. When I know my online internet web-based idea log really meant a lot to you. So The Discerning Philistine works a lot, and Terry McNamara is getting educated, but I'm here for you. I'm here. Sh-sh-shhh, I'm here.

I'll do what it takes to win you over, if doing what it takes is:

Typing REALLY FAST!

Thinking of jokes to keep you laughing

and

Looking on the internet some.

-Lil' Bree$y

Failings

Spitzer Resigns, Citing Personal Failings
Governor Eliot Spitzer, who rose to power as a fierce enforcer of ethics in public life, was undone by revelations of his own involvement with prostitutes.

The Discerning Philistine does not shy away from telling you how to live your life (just like somebody I know... I'm looking at you, former Governor Spitzer). However, if sleeping with a prostitute is a personal failing, then I must take responsibility for my failings as well.

Although I did not smash with high class hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupré, I may j-off to her MySpace profile later: clearly a failing and I will take full responsibility for it.

And if having a little bit of a beer belly is a failing, I take responsibility for that as well. Did I need that last beer? No. But did I want it? Yes I did, badly, and I for that I accept responsibility.

If having a little credit card debt is a personal failing, then I take responsibility for all $13,000 dollars of it. The remaining $5,000 are by no means my fault and I cannot explain those charges at this time.

And, finally, if peeing the bed while high on muscle relaxers and hammered drunk is a failing, then it is a forgivable one. But I suppose I must take full responsibility for it as well.

Reader Inquiries

We at Scoff lightly strive to maintain an appearance of regard for our reader's opinions. In the interest of maintaining this semblance of interest, we hesitantly welcome your questions regarding Scoff Magazine and the lifestyle constraints of the Discerning Philistine.

Here are a few sample inquiries to guide your own:

Q: Does the Discerning Philistine have a life partner?
A: In many cases, yes. Our muse's girlfriend's poop smells like watermelons and she is 1,000 feet tall.

Q: Scoff has a muse?
A: Yes.

Q: I'd love to know more...
A: In due time.

Q: How many people does the Discerning Philistine's car accommodate?
A: About eight, legally.

Q: Is the selection process for these passengers grueling?
A: Yes, very.

Please send your inquiries to discerning.philistine@gmail.com. They will be reviewed with as soon as we please.