She has Found 3 Dead Park Rats to Date

Now that we're settled into our new home, with the dog playing in the park and savory taco oozings dripping off our chins, we have a dispatch from a Young Urban Dog Owning Couple.

We were playing in the park, playing after dark, feasting our eyes (and our mouths) on the Manhattan skyline as our dog played at our feet, when our dog ceased to play at our feet and commenced to play at something horrifyingly smelly's putrid belly. Our dog had gone a-'splorin' and had 'splored a DEAD RAT.
I began to shout (and prance about), if only to scare away the guts of the rat. It didn't work, of course, for shame, and I had to stoop over and shout my dog away from the rat, then take the tiny corner of a bag full of shit (my dog had shat) and clasp the rat's stiff, bumpy, horrid tail in my soft, gentle fingers. Then I had to skip, yell, laugh in a high-pitched way and dodge my doggy's frolicks until I could cast the crisp rat shell with juicy rat filling and shit sauce into a local garbage can.



The next day I rode the train with my usual eager anxiety, relieved by a refreshing sneeze. But what was this? As I politely covered my mouth, the sweet and overpowering stench that made me put my dog and her disgusting rat mouth far away from my affections enveloped my senses like a dog enveloping a dead rat in her disgusting rat mouth do you see where we are headed here??? 

The rat's final juices and just the perkiest tuft of its hair had tagged along on my sleeve and I was bound to wear it for the rest of the ride. Oh doggy, doggy! You are truly an urban pioneer.

Sexy Disco Shit

Maybe Disc Jockey Balboa would care to comment on this....

Petey Pablo |MTV Music

Issuing a Challenge

An open letter to Terry McNamara.

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

Terry McNamara? More like terry CLOTH, the way you've been sucking... up the moisture, if moisture is not writing. Because it isn't the heat that gets you, it's the humidity. This once I was at a conference in Arizona, Tucson I believe. And I do believe. Believe that you should put down the MDF and lay off the 3-D modeling and defend your place around this web empire.
"Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog?" That hardly even fits into one of our Feature categories. "Fret"? I remember when this online internet web consortium was about guns and the shooting of guns, not mooning over pups like a gaggle of pre-teen boys, wet behind the ears and barely out of short pants. So put on your long pants and sop up your ear juice: put up a post.

Yours,

The Editor$

I want a dog soooo bad

Hi Friends

Something that's boring about blogs is the thing where all they are is someone Googling around for something funny you've already seen and then giving it to you. This ends up in me receiving a particular ethnically-targeted video about grandmas some FIVE times in one day. We're all just skimming the sticky top off of the internet - but I personally don't have what it takes to delve beneath.

I'll give you a picture to make rest your eyes:

But I don't want to just give you any videos right now. What do you think about that picture? So funny, right? But like I could see getting into those costumes, it's just your hair would be so smooth and sometimes those tights make your legs cold but the clacky shoes would be f-u-n fun.

I'm sorry, I haven't apologized, I'm just trying to DANCE around it I guess. What I mean is, at least four people really liked to read this and people have been asking about it and it's like, I just left you all hanging, and that's like so f-ed up. When I know my online internet web-based idea log really meant a lot to you. So The Discerning Philistine works a lot, and Terry McNamara is getting educated, but I'm here for you. I'm here. Sh-sh-shhh, I'm here.

I'll do what it takes to win you over, if doing what it takes is:

Typing REALLY FAST!

Thinking of jokes to keep you laughing

and

Looking on the internet some.

-Lil' Bree$y

Musings

You should look up some videos of those things on YouTube. It's a pretty neat site - I think you'll like it!


Synchro Swimmin'


Drumlines


Dressage - it's really beautiful, right?


Rrrrockin' bloopers vids!

Tips from a pro,
Breezy Palomino

Meat the Editors

The Editors. What a special privilege for you, to meet the editors!

The first editor we've selected for revelation and study comes to you by dint of spending nights, evenings, and the occasional sundown by the Discerning Philistine's side*. Known as Lil' Breezy to intimates and Breezy Palomino to subordinates, she's Ms. Palomino to you. Her background includes knowing stuff, knowing more than you, and talking - Breezy Palomino is the Discerning Philistine's woman and primary challenger. She brings the feminine touch to this web internet online publication, but that touch is the conduit for the heat of 10,000 suns.
Here is a representative photograph of this, our most female editor:


*Q: But wait - isn't Discerning Philistinism a lifestyle choice, not an individual?
A: Yes. However, there is an ass for every seat and a muse for every online web internet publishing empire.
Q: And so Ms. Palomino is 1,000 feet tall?
A: Obviously.

Reader Inquiries

We at Scoff lightly strive to maintain an appearance of regard for our reader's opinions. In the interest of maintaining this semblance of interest, we hesitantly welcome your questions regarding Scoff Magazine and the lifestyle constraints of the Discerning Philistine.

Here are a few sample inquiries to guide your own:

Q: Does the Discerning Philistine have a life partner?
A: In many cases, yes. Our muse's girlfriend's poop smells like watermelons and she is 1,000 feet tall.

Q: Scoff has a muse?
A: Yes.

Q: I'd love to know more...
A: In due time.

Q: How many people does the Discerning Philistine's car accommodate?
A: About eight, legally.

Q: Is the selection process for these passengers grueling?
A: Yes, very.

Please send your inquiries to discerning.philistine@gmail.com. They will be reviewed with as soon as we please.

Features to Anticipate

The Discerning Philistine has wide-ranging, though specific, tastes. The Staff at Scoff will be printing a variety of features to keep you abreast of these tastes, including, but not limited to:

• From the Editors' Desks
  
• Important Videos
• Things that Suck Slightly Less than Other Things
• Middle School Minds
• Calls from a Southern Gentleman
• Significant Interviews
• Beneath Contempt
• What's Really Good, Ma?
• The Tortellini Tribune
• Final Exam
• "Critics"

The first Scoff intro post, EVER!

First of all, Welcome to Scoff: for the Discerning Philistine. Here are a couple of ground rules: you will never see the word "blog" printed in this online internet web journal. We find the whole phenomenon repugnant. This internet web based journal is simply meant as an outlet for thoughts and feelings held by the Discerning Philistine. Scoff is more like a magazine than some kind of internet based web journal but we don't have the necessary capital for investment in publishing nor do we have the time needed to dedicate to publishing such a magazine.

A few words on who the Discerning Philistine is: the Discerning Philistine might drive a 1978 Chevy Impala station wagon that, perhaps, he bought for $300. The Discerning Philistine could have a BFA from a very prestigious liberal arts university yet disdain art, poetry, jazz music, and network news.

The Discerning Philistine might be well read. He should be respected by his peers and rarely crossed. He works with his hands, perhaps creating cabinets with the finest of African hardwoods, but finds architects pretentious. He favors the parcel post and sees the value of the "forever" stamp. He should be an outdoors man, such as a hunter, but only pursuing fowl and paying close attention to lunar and tide charts. The Discerning Philistine is not a regular drug user, but knows a guy who can get you pain killers nobody's ever heard of. He would certainly know how to appreciate a five-course lunch.

The Discerning Philistine will call bullshit when he sees it and has no time for the pretenses of high culture at large.