I'm Sold

That's it. We're getting a new TV







and some ginger ale



condoms too.

the poor man's...

The Bowling Trophy



is the poor man's Oscar

Sexy Disco Shit

Maybe Disc Jockey Balboa would care to comment on this....

Petey Pablo |MTV Music

Barf

Thing I hate, why do you pollute the things I love?

The poor man's...

Michael Douglas is

the poor man's Kirk Douglas


Hasselhof is

the poor man's Kurt Russel is

the poor man's Swayze


Goldie Hawn is

the poor man's (and also sucks slightly less than) Meg Ryan


the right hand is the poor man's fifi towel

cricket is the poor man's baseball

the poor man's capitalist is poor

the poor man's web dictionary doesn't even have real words in it

what is the poor man's Bugatti?



-Yo soy

Performative Magic

The stupidest yet most impressive of all stagecraft.



Look at their stiff, steppy legs! The dramatic pointy feet! The sparkles, the arms. How DO they do that?

Sexy Sexuality

Cosmopolitan Magazine would like you to have sex. Cosmopolitan Magazine wants you to Turn him on in 10 Words or Less. Cosmopolitan Magazine thinks you don't know how to say "Let's do a sex" with your mouth. Cosmopolitan Magazine assembled a crack team of 13 year olds and their 40-something old cool moms to help you to do sex to somebody. I will tell you who wrote which txter.



I was a BAD GIRL and spent my lunch hour shopping. You can spank me later.
(40 y.o. - leopard-print cell phone case. Also, this is over 10 words.)

Got a new showerhead — the detachable kind. The pressure's awesome.
(13 y.o. - sleepover dare txt. Pretends she knows what this means, is secretly confused as rest of assembled guests.)

There's a VIP-only party @ [fill in your address here] 2nite.
(13 y.o. does not know what 2 do w/ this template; sends as-is.)

TDTM (translation: text dirty to me)
(40 y.o. obviates slang with awkward explanation)

Don't do much @ the gym...save energy for L8R.
(Gross 13 y.o. txting gross boy w/ floppy/poofy hairdo, brown flip-flops)

Ur picturing me (a) naked, (b) in a Jacuzzi, (c) both
(13 y.o. - teens luv jacuzzis, want 2 party in them)

Was in such a rush! 4got 2 wear a bra.
(Either, liar)

Can I bring anything 4 our d8? Wine? Chocolate sauce?
(11 y.o.)

I'm in dressing room @ the mall...in a thong.
(40 y.o. & 13 y.o. trying on identical Juicy sweats; naughtily sending duplicate txts from adjoining dressing rooms)

Ur ass looks gr8 in those jeans.
(13 y.o. @ state fair 4-H livestock Costume Critter Contest)

I'll pole dance 4 you. U bring the pole...
(40, likes ethnic dancing, is embarrassed when b.f. arrives at dance studio fully engorged.)

Found my old cheerleading uniform. Still fits.
(13 y.o., meant to type "unicorn." T9 = whoops.)

My roommate is out of town. Let's throw a party tonight — for two.
(13, "roommate" = mom, party = toothy b.j.)

Splurged at Victoria's Secret. A girl can't have too many lacy panties, can she?
(40 y.o. misspelling "spooged")

No movies out I want to see. Other ideas for what we can do in the dark?
(13 or 40 - blind)

This link comes to you courtesy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Sucks More Than Anything Else

I can't think of any "musician" or musical act that I like less than Johnathan Mayer. What a shitty piece of shit. How is this guy so famous. Is it just that he knows a bunch of famous people or, is his uncle a record exec? It seems that's how talentless dick heads get record deals.

Johnny, Don't take your self seriously,ever. You suck.

Bumper Cars

These fucking bumper protectors are the stupidest things I've ever seen. It's a bumper. That's what it's for. But I guess when you're leasing a car you can't afford you really want to make sure you're not losing any money on the deal. Oh wait, you are losing money. You don't own it. While these morons think that dangling a rubber matt out of their trunk will keep their bumpers in that new car smell I'll keep driving the Brown Bomber and scraping up the corners of their bumpers every time I pull in and out of my spot. This is all the protection a discerning philistine needs on his bumper.