PARTY!!! WOOOOO!!!

Nothing takes me back to high school like sneaking off with some booze and passing out on the beach.

Giant Babies

Today's "Beneath Contempt" comes to you from the streets of New York City. Most of our readers are probably familiar with Razor scooters. Sure, I bet your 12 year-old cousin loves hers. But unless you live in New York you've probably never seen a full grown adult using one of these toys as a mode of transportation.
A discerning philistine knows when to put away childish things. It's better to walk then to scoot around looking like a giant baby.

This Month in the Parcel Post!

The Discerning Philistine adores magazines because they're not so long as books. He's a subscriber:

Leisureman

Debonaire

Big Apple Weekly!

Microwave Magic

Hobbycraftsman

Intellectual Panegyric

Bobbers 'n' Worms

Hungree Man

Pretty Pictures

Fallings

Every time you lace up your rollerblades, you run the risk of looking like a complete jerkass. And then, you fall.



And speaking of politicians falling from grace:



So you've been eating mac and cheese and drinking 12 lite beers every night for the past few months; but maybe you should sober up before trying to tackle the "freshman 15":

Meat the Editors

The Editors. What a special privilege for you, to meet the editors!

The first editor we've selected for revelation and study comes to you by dint of spending nights, evenings, and the occasional sundown by the Discerning Philistine's side*. Known as Lil' Breezy to intimates and Breezy Palomino to subordinates, she's Ms. Palomino to you. Her background includes knowing stuff, knowing more than you, and talking - Breezy Palomino is the Discerning Philistine's woman and primary challenger. She brings the feminine touch to this web internet online publication, but that touch is the conduit for the heat of 10,000 suns.
Here is a representative photograph of this, our most female editor:


*Q: But wait - isn't Discerning Philistinism a lifestyle choice, not an individual?
A: Yes. However, there is an ass for every seat and a muse for every online web internet publishing empire.
Q: And so Ms. Palomino is 1,000 feet tall?
A: Obviously.

Semi-Automatic Freedom

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

-the Second Amendment to the Constitution

As I interpret these words, I am faced with a realization. This is a crisp clear declaration by the government of the United States that the people shall never be denied the tools needed to defend themselves from future aggressions imposed or sponsored by that government. This week we have seen a Supreme Court ruling lifting a ban on hand guns in the District of Columbia. I say ban the little guys. They are the leverage of the thug and the criminal. Above we are guaranteed the weapons of the citizen army. The militia in today's world needs 50 cal anti-tank rifles and assault weapons. With this in mind I would like to introduce you to a true patriot living these words, and his pudgy goth daughter.

NXNE photo recap

well as many of you already know, the giant music industry shindig , "South by South West" happened this past weekend. This is an event that happens annually, where many many hip.ster bands, managers, booking agents, assorted music industry hangers-on, and many other bands gather in Austin Texas to play shows, go to shows, get sweaty, smelly , drunk, and just downright unpleasant to be around. Those of us who boycotted SXSW this year, and happen to live on the north Atlantic seaboard, attended NXNE. NXNE provides attendees with a chance to not leave the house, peruse the exhaustive internet coverage of SXSW, ridicule it, and feel good about ourselves for not going. So! without further ado, here are some highlights from this years NXNE:

*Wink!*

The Discerning Philistine is terrified of medical deformities.

Failings

Spitzer Resigns, Citing Personal Failings
Governor Eliot Spitzer, who rose to power as a fierce enforcer of ethics in public life, was undone by revelations of his own involvement with prostitutes.

The Discerning Philistine does not shy away from telling you how to live your life (just like somebody I know... I'm looking at you, former Governor Spitzer). However, if sleeping with a prostitute is a personal failing, then I must take responsibility for my failings as well.

Although I did not smash with high class hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupré, I may j-off to her MySpace profile later: clearly a failing and I will take full responsibility for it.

And if having a little bit of a beer belly is a failing, I take responsibility for that as well. Did I need that last beer? No. But did I want it? Yes I did, badly, and I for that I accept responsibility.

If having a little credit card debt is a personal failing, then I take responsibility for all $13,000 dollars of it. The remaining $5,000 are by no means my fault and I cannot explain those charges at this time.

And, finally, if peeing the bed while high on muscle relaxers and hammered drunk is a failing, then it is a forgivable one. But I suppose I must take full responsibility for it as well.

Hockey Fights Suck

This fight:



sucks slightly less than

this fight:

Reader Inquiries

We at Scoff lightly strive to maintain an appearance of regard for our reader's opinions. In the interest of maintaining this semblance of interest, we hesitantly welcome your questions regarding Scoff Magazine and the lifestyle constraints of the Discerning Philistine.

Here are a few sample inquiries to guide your own:

Q: Does the Discerning Philistine have a life partner?
A: In many cases, yes. Our muse's girlfriend's poop smells like watermelons and she is 1,000 feet tall.

Q: Scoff has a muse?
A: Yes.

Q: I'd love to know more...
A: In due time.

Q: How many people does the Discerning Philistine's car accommodate?
A: About eight, legally.

Q: Is the selection process for these passengers grueling?
A: Yes, very.

Please send your inquiries to discerning.philistine@gmail.com. They will be reviewed with as soon as we please.

The Discerning Philistine has a Mother too, You Know

The Discerning Philistine scoffs at internet, but loves his mother. If she sees fit to issue an email touting monitor cleaning, who is the Discerning Philistine to leave it un-forwarded?

"Fwd: bulletin--monitor cleaning important

It is now recommended that the inside of all monitors be cleaned. Please make sure you access this site to do so.

Thanks.

http://www.tcvh.com/screenclean.swf"

From this Month's Playboy Interview

Interview with Chad Kroeger, [Canadian] lead singer of Nickleback.


"We've had people say a lot of bad things about us. How is it possible to have everyone hate us? If my music is fucking up your life, change the station, dude. I'm just some guy who sings in a rock-and-roll band. I'm not Hitler."

Playboy: Do you have middle-American tastes in everything? TV, cars, beer, movies, books?
Kroeger: You could probably scratch books off that list! (laughs). I like car chases, explosions, big boobs - same things middle American likes.

Important Video

Features to Anticipate

The Discerning Philistine has wide-ranging, though specific, tastes. The Staff at Scoff will be printing a variety of features to keep you abreast of these tastes, including, but not limited to:

• From the Editors' Desks
  
• Important Videos
• Things that Suck Slightly Less than Other Things
• Middle School Minds
• Calls from a Southern Gentleman
• Significant Interviews
• Beneath Contempt
• What's Really Good, Ma?
• The Tortellini Tribune
• Final Exam
• "Critics"

The first Scoff intro post, EVER!

First of all, Welcome to Scoff: for the Discerning Philistine. Here are a couple of ground rules: you will never see the word "blog" printed in this online internet web journal. We find the whole phenomenon repugnant. This internet web based journal is simply meant as an outlet for thoughts and feelings held by the Discerning Philistine. Scoff is more like a magazine than some kind of internet based web journal but we don't have the necessary capital for investment in publishing nor do we have the time needed to dedicate to publishing such a magazine.

A few words on who the Discerning Philistine is: the Discerning Philistine might drive a 1978 Chevy Impala station wagon that, perhaps, he bought for $300. The Discerning Philistine could have a BFA from a very prestigious liberal arts university yet disdain art, poetry, jazz music, and network news.

The Discerning Philistine might be well read. He should be respected by his peers and rarely crossed. He works with his hands, perhaps creating cabinets with the finest of African hardwoods, but finds architects pretentious. He favors the parcel post and sees the value of the "forever" stamp. He should be an outdoors man, such as a hunter, but only pursuing fowl and paying close attention to lunar and tide charts. The Discerning Philistine is not a regular drug user, but knows a guy who can get you pain killers nobody's ever heard of. He would certainly know how to appreciate a five-course lunch.

The Discerning Philistine will call bullshit when he sees it and has no time for the pretenses of high culture at large.