The Original "Sucks Slightly Less Than"

In so much as they both blow,



The Rocket Man sucks slightly less than:




The Piano Man

It's Perfect

Commitment, synchronicity, dancing: Patrick Swayze.

I only wish his wife was a polar bear.

Stay Offa the Nets!

There are a lot of videos on the internet. I mean really. A lot.
All of the ones not about fucking are mostly about people getting hurt and looking like dicks. Here is a guide to not getting your video on the internet.

-Don't be fat
-No dancing
-Don't sing
-Avoid appearing heartfelt
-If you do get hurt, don't do funny noises or roll around
-Stay off of tables, fatty
-No weddings
-If you have a vindictive lover, destroy all media immediately
-If you are five weeks old, don't be an ocelot.

If I see any of you dicks on the internet looking like dicks, I'm gonna take a video of it, and put it on the internet.

-Breezy 'n' Philistine

Scooters, Vacation, Fall

This isn't a new video. But this magazine isn't about bringing you the latest vids, pics, and hits - it's about sterling commentary. And scoffing. This has all the important factors of good internet:

-slavs
-white hip hoppers
-enthusiasm
-public alone time
-weird ambient sound
-pratfalls and
-bloopers

-Lil' Breezy

Issuing a Challenge

An open letter to Terry McNamara.

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

Terry McNamara? More like terry CLOTH, the way you've been sucking... up the moisture, if moisture is not writing. Because it isn't the heat that gets you, it's the humidity. This once I was at a conference in Arizona, Tucson I believe. And I do believe. Believe that you should put down the MDF and lay off the 3-D modeling and defend your place around this web empire.
"Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog?" That hardly even fits into one of our Feature categories. "Fret"? I remember when this online internet web consortium was about guns and the shooting of guns, not mooning over pups like a gaggle of pre-teen boys, wet behind the ears and barely out of short pants. So put on your long pants and sop up your ear juice: put up a post.

Yours,

The Editor$

Also

Hometown pride: the 1972 electoral map.

VICTORY

Sarah's tears

So the Obama's are getting a puppy. But who care's its not really news anyway. I want a puppy. No one blogged about that. Well someone may have reported on it in an internet based gazette but that's different.

-Yo soy.

Your Weekend Plans

I used to pasture in Massachusetts. And so I have the authority to inform you on some leisure updates from that area.

As of this morning you can poke a dozen joints into your mouth and even smoke them, but you must have $100 to pay the fine if you are caught. You can obtain this penal money by tapping into your gambling jar, because dog racing isn't allowed there anymore. Yours is a skinny state, top to bottom, so you can rip up to New Hampshire and do your betting there. Having spent the sticky change in your gambling jar, you will only be able to bet the $1.18 you have saved on state cigarette tax. Maybe you will win something! Then you can spend your hard-lucked-into winnings on boozes at an affordable, state-run liquor store and bring it on back down to Massachusetts for your same-sex wedding which you are still allowed to have.

Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem.

-Breezy Palomino

In So Much as They Both Rock

Sucks slightly less than...

Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog

I don't think it's wrong to workshop a joke. If you are saving a one-liner for that special someone, why not try it once or twice on a less-critical audience? For instance, if you often talk to a little sister who's quite funny - and a judger - I'd say you are well within your rights to tell the Discerning Philistine that you just played with a teeny, baby, tiny, puppy beagle in a jacket who "crushed your entire heart". Your Discerning Philistine loves anything about dogs, he'll lap up whatever you toss him.
Your sister hates dogs though, and says she won't come over anymore if you get one. So you simply have to save the better joke for her. In her case, the puppy "peed all over your heart". And it's quite bad taste, if admirable honesty, for her to make you acknowledge the provenance of your work-shopped joke.

Note: Pictures of chimps aren't across-the-board funny, and too many of us rely on them. I'm referencing this one as an instance of a joke that ought to be work-shopped. For example, would a picture of a thoughtful cat be better? Perhaps a stock photo of a man? A child with a fishin' pole - but no fish???

-Lil' Breezy

I want a dog soooo bad