Scoff Magazine

The Poor Man's...

2009-03-24T21:39:00.002-04:00

Bacon is the poor man's foie gras

A "Do" for #2

2009-03-22T13:19:00.004-04:00

If you have to do a couple things in the bathroom. Do them first then go poo.

Brushing your teeth after taking a smelly deuce sucks slightly less than getting a little bit of turd on your finger when wiping.

For All Y'all Country Loving Nerd

2009-03-21T00:28:00.002-04:00

Thanks to my favorite fishing nerd site BWTF

She has Found 3 Dead Park Rats to Date

2009-03-16T23:07:00.004-04:00

Now that we're settled into our new home, with the dog playing in the park and savory taco oozings dripping off our chins, we have a dispatch from a Young Urban Dog Owning Couple.

We were playing in the park, playing after dark, feasting our eyes (and our mouths) on the Manhattan skyline as our dog played at our feet, when our dog ceased to play at our feet and commenced to play at something horrifyingly smelly's putrid belly. Our dog had gone a-'splorin' and had 'splored a DEAD RAT.
I began to shout (and prance about), if only to scare away the guts of the rat. It didn't work, of course, for shame, and I had to stoop over and shout my dog away from the rat, then take the tiny corner of a bag full of shit (my dog had shat) and clasp the rat's stiff, bumpy, horrid tail in my soft, gentle fingers. Then I had to skip, yell, laugh in a high-pitched way and dodge my doggy's frolicks until I could cast the crisp rat shell with juicy rat filling and shit sauce into a local garbage can.

The next day I rode the train with my usual eager anxiety, relieved by a refreshing sneeze. But what was this? As I politely covered my mouth, the sweet and overpowering stench that made me put my dog and her disgusting rat mouth far away from my affections enveloped my senses like a dog enveloping a dead rat in her disgusting rat mouth do you see where we are headed here???

The rat's final juices and just the perkiest tuft of its hair had tagged along on my sleeve and I was bound to wear it for the rest of the ride. Oh doggy, doggy! You are truly an urban pioneer.

You Have a Lot to Learn About Sheep

2009-02-18T17:47:00.004-05:00

This is a fat man with a useless hammer.

The devil sheep wants to be with the other sheep, but the other sheep are afraid of the devil sheep.

But those sheep will get theirs in the end (this one is for my Discerning Philistine).

Tips 'n' Notes

2009-02-17T21:54:00.001-05:00

Did you ever try scissors? They're like 2 friendly knives, safely working in concert.

scissors. Scissors. SCISSORS!

Things I have Learned During my Apartment Search

2009-02-05T13:08:00.002-05:00

White people looking for homes love tall things (see imaginary neighborhood "Stuyvesant Heights" and formerly imaginary neighborhood "Prospect Heights"). I am a white people, I want to live on a hill with a view.

All neighborhoods are actually Crown Heights ("Stuyvesant Heights", "Prospect Heights").

Realtors have invented most of the neighborhoods in Brooklyn. My grandma's Brooklyn has 5 neighborhoods: Crown Heights, Downtown, Willamsburg, Coney Island and Bay Ridge. This may be slightly influenced by the elderly Jewish homemaker perspective, but still.

Crown Heights is now Bed Stuy, Bed Stuy is Fort Greene, and Clinton Hill has been deleted.

Everyone I know who lives outside the city wants me to know about the 19 bedroom homestead with a pony that they rent for what I will pay for a "charming 0.3 bdrm GUT RENO crackhome on historic Rikers Island - everything is painted white!!!"

One-Upsmanship

2009-02-03T21:25:00.001-05:00

BESTED!
This woman is the REAL champion of breastery and slapping! I doff my tits, madam.

Let's Just Have Fun Tonight!

2009-02-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

V. Hungry Cat.

Tittytonka

2009-01-09T09:12:00.004-05:00

Vagrant Correspondent Yeaux Michel scratches another missive onto your boxcar.

People always ask me what my favorite part of traveling is. I usually tell them how nice it is not being approached by random people always asking stupid questions. Then we laugh a good hearty laugh, and I sneak away while they clutch their sides from laugh cramps. If I time it right, I don't even have to stop walking during all this. Jokes are all about timing. That's what they say, at least. When I remember who "they" are, I'll refer you to "them." I keep thinking it's Gallagher, but that's probably just because I just think about Gallagher a lot.

I'm bad at the "favorite ____" game--almost as bad as I am at the "would you rather" game. I don't feel so bad about this though, because they're both pretty stupid as far as games go, and no one wants to be good at a stupid game. Like curling, for example: does anyone actually aspire to be good at curling? They just fall into it, like a hole. Or janitorial services. Anyway, naming a favorite thing does take a lot less time than naming all the things you like a lot, I'll give it that. But just that. For brevity's sake, I'll just relate one thing I really like about country-hopping, and that one thing is TV.

That's right, you caught what I threw: TV. Television. The Talk Box. Before you do your own hopping up onto your horse and pass down judgment from upon high, let me just say I'm not talking just any TV here, I'm talking foreign TV. How stupid awesome are foreign TV shows? Really stupid awesome, if you didn't know, which probably means you want to join the curling team. American shows would be so much better if I couldn't understand anything anyone said beyond "cat," "what," and "bathroom." Nothing is quite as comforting as not knowing what the hell is going on.

Now it's not all milkshakes and marshmallows on the foreign broadcast, mind you, but if only .5% of TV you can find outside the US is even close to as riveting as this, I'd say that's 10,000 pesos well spent. This is tits down the best programming you're gonna find anywhere, made even more historically significant by the fact that it's probably the first time that North America has made Latin America blush.

Help us Out

2009-01-01T15:27:00.002-05:00

I can't imagine a more important video. But I can't sit through this shit. Can someone watch this for me and let me know what happens? Tx.

I'm Sold

2008-12-21T01:16:00.002-05:00

That's it. We're getting a new TV

and some ginger ale

condoms too.

the poor man's...

2008-12-19T23:30:00.004-05:00

The Bowling Trophy

is the poor man's Oscar

Sexy Disco Shit

2008-12-19T23:08:00.005-05:00

Maybe Disc Jockey Balboa would care to comment on this....

Petey Pablo |MTV Music

Barf

2008-12-15T19:32:00.001-05:00

Thing I hate, why do you pollute the things I love?

The poor man's...

2008-12-11T23:28:00.004-05:00

Michael Douglas is

the poor man's Kirk Douglas

Hasselhof is

the poor man's Kurt Russel is

the poor man's Swayze

Goldie Hawn is

the poor man's (and also sucks slightly less than) Meg Ryan

the right hand is the poor man's fifi towel

cricket is the poor man's baseball

the poor man's capitalist is poor

the poor man's web dictionary doesn't even have real words in it

what is the poor man's Bugatti?

-Yo soy

Performative Magic

2008-12-11T17:57:00.002-05:00

The stupidest yet most impressive of all stagecraft.

Look at their stiff, steppy legs! The dramatic pointy feet! The sparkles, the arms. How DO they do that?

Sexy Sexuality

2008-12-10T23:09:00.009-05:00

Cosmopolitan Magazine would like you to have sex. Cosmopolitan Magazine wants you to Turn him on in 10 Words or Less. Cosmopolitan Magazine thinks you don't know how to say "Let's do a sex" with your mouth. Cosmopolitan Magazine assembled a crack team of 13 year olds and their 40-something old cool moms to help you to do sex to somebody. I will tell you who wrote which txter.

I was a BAD GIRL and spent my lunch hour shopping. You can spank me later.
(40 y.o. - leopard-print cell phone case. Also, this is over 10 words.)

Got a new showerhead — the detachable kind. The pressure's awesome.
(13 y.o. - sleepover dare txt. Pretends she knows what this means, is secretly confused as rest of assembled guests.)

There's a VIP-only party @ [fill in your address here] 2nite.
(13 y.o. does not know what 2 do w/ this template; sends as-is.)

TDTM (translation: text dirty to me)
(40 y.o. obviates slang with awkward explanation)

Don't do much @ the gym...save energy for L8R.
(Gross 13 y.o. txting gross boy w/ floppy/poofy hairdo, brown flip-flops)

Ur picturing me (a) naked, (b) in a Jacuzzi, (c) both
(13 y.o. - teens luv jacuzzis, want 2 party in them)

Was in such a rush! 4got 2 wear a bra.
(Either, liar)

Can I bring anything 4 our d8? Wine? Chocolate sauce?
(11 y.o.)

I'm in dressing room @ the mall...in a thong.
(40 y.o. & 13 y.o. trying on identical Juicy sweats; naughtily sending duplicate txts from adjoining dressing rooms)

Ur ass looks gr8 in those jeans.
(13 y.o. @ state fair 4-H livestock Costume Critter Contest)

I'll pole dance 4 you. U bring the pole...
(40, likes ethnic dancing, is embarrassed when b.f. arrives at dance studio fully engorged.)

Found my old cheerleading uniform. Still fits.
(13 y.o., meant to type "unicorn." T9 = whoops.)

My roommate is out of town. Let's throw a party tonight — for two.
(13, "roommate" = mom, party = toothy b.j.)

Splurged at Victoria's Secret. A girl can't have too many lacy panties, can she?
(40 y.o. misspelling "spooged")

No movies out I want to see. Other ideas for what we can do in the dark?
(13 or 40 - blind)

This link comes to you courtesy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Sucks More Than Anything Else

2008-12-10T22:48:00.003-05:00

I can't think of any "musician" or musical act that I like less than Johnathan Mayer. What a shitty piece of shit. How is this guy so famous. Is it just that he knows a bunch of famous people or, is his uncle a record exec? It seems that's how talentless dick heads get record deals.

Johnny, Don't take your self seriously,ever. You suck.

Bumper Cars

2008-12-01T23:52:00.004-05:00

These fucking bumper protectors are the stupidest things I've ever seen. It's a bumper. That's what it's for. But I guess when you're leasing a car you can't afford you really want to make sure you're not losing any money on the deal. Oh wait, you are losing money. You don't own it. While these morons think that dangling a rubber matt out of their trunk will keep their bumpers in that new car smell I'll keep driving the Brown Bomber and scraping up the corners of their bumpers every time I pull in and out of my spot. This is all the protection a discerning philistine needs on his bumper.

The Original "Sucks Slightly Less Than"

2008-11-24T23:25:00.006-05:00

In so much as they both blow,

The Rocket Man sucks slightly less than:

The Piano Man

It's Perfect

2008-11-24T23:17:00.002-05:00

Commitment, synchronicity, dancing: Patrick Swayze.

I only wish his wife was a polar bear.

Stay Offa the Nets!

2008-11-24T20:39:00.005-05:00

There are a lot of videos on the internet. I mean really. A lot.
All of the ones not about fucking are mostly about people getting hurt and looking like dicks. Here is a guide to not getting your video on the internet.

-Don't be fat
-No dancing
-Don't sing
-Avoid appearing heartfelt
-If you do get hurt, don't do funny noises or roll around
-Stay off of tables, fatty
-No weddings
-If you have a vindictive lover, destroy all media immediately
-If you are five weeks old, don't be an ocelot.

If I see any of you dicks on the internet looking like dicks, I'm gonna take a video of it, and put it on the internet.

-Breezy 'n' Philistine

Scooters, Vacation, Fall

2008-11-18T22:27:00.004-05:00

This isn't a new video. But this magazine isn't about bringing you the latest vids, pics, and hits - it's about sterling commentary. And scoffing. This has all the important factors of good internet:

-slavs
-white hip hoppers
-enthusiasm
-public alone time
-weird ambient sound
-pratfalls and
-bloopers

-Lil' Breezy

Issuing a Challenge

2008-11-09T23:22:00.003-05:00

An open letter to Terry McNamara.

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

Terry McNamara? More like terry CLOTH, the way you've been sucking... up the moisture, if moisture is not writing. Because it isn't the heat that gets you, it's the humidity. This once I was at a conference in Arizona, Tucson I believe. And I do believe. Believe that you should put down the MDF and lay off the 3-D modeling and defend your place around this web empire.
"Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog?" That hardly even fits into one of our Feature categories. "Fret"? I remember when this online internet web consortium was about guns and the shooting of guns, not mooning over pups like a gaggle of pre-teen boys, wet behind the ears and barely out of short pants. So put on your long pants and sop up your ear juice: put up a post.

Yours,

The Editor$

Also

2008-11-06T19:58:00.002-05:00

Hometown pride: the 1972 electoral map.

VICTORY

2008-11-05T23:22:00.007-05:00

Sarah's tears

So the Obama's are getting a puppy. But who care's its not really news anyway. I want a puppy. No one blogged about that. Well someone may have reported on it in an internet based gazette but that's different.

-Yo soy.

Your Weekend Plans

2008-11-05T23:11:00.005-05:00

I used to pasture in Massachusetts. And so I have the authority to inform you on some leisure updates from that area.

As of this morning you can poke a dozen joints into your mouth and even smoke them, but you must have $100 to pay the fine if you are caught. You can obtain this penal money by tapping into your gambling jar, because dog racing isn't allowed there anymore. Yours is a skinny state, top to bottom, so you can rip up to New Hampshire and do your betting there. Having spent the sticky change in your gambling jar, you will only be able to bet the $1.18 you have saved on state cigarette tax. Maybe you will win something! Then you can spend your hard-lucked-into winnings on boozes at an affordable, state-run liquor store and bring it on back down to Massachusetts for your same-sex wedding which you are still allowed to have.

Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem.

-Breezy Palomino

In So Much as They Both Rock

2008-11-05T22:33:00.001-05:00

Sucks slightly less than...

Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog Dog Blog

2008-11-03T20:19:00.007-05:00

I don't think it's wrong to workshop a joke. If you are saving a one-liner for that special someone, why not try it once or twice on a less-critical audience? For instance, if you often talk to a little sister who's quite funny - and a judger - I'd say you are well within your rights to tell the Discerning Philistine that you just played with a teeny, baby, tiny, puppy beagle in a jacket who "crushed your entire heart". Your Discerning Philistine loves anything about dogs, he'll lap up whatever you toss him.
Your sister hates dogs though, and says she won't come over anymore if you get one. So you simply have to save the better joke for her. In her case, the puppy "peed all over your heart". And it's quite bad taste, if admirable honesty, for her to make you acknowledge the provenance of your work-shopped joke.

Note: Pictures of chimps aren't across-the-board funny, and too many of us rely on them. I'm referencing this one as an instance of a joke that ought to be work-shopped. For example, would a picture of a thoughtful cat be better? Perhaps a stock photo of a man? A child with a fishin' pole - but no fish???

-Lil' Breezy

I want a dog soooo bad

2008-11-01T17:17:00.004-04:00

Tips 'n' Tricks (Or Treats?)

2008-10-31T09:28:00.004-04:00

Halloween costumes are great.
Obviously slutty cats are stupid, unless they are extremely cheap. If you bought it at CVS, you can count on looking trashy enough that it'll be understood you're dressing as a "sexy cat Halloween costume". You can tell this lady is right on track- she has to hold up the tail to keep it attached and she's standing on one leg to keep the pants up. Nicely done.

A better option is the existing-clothes route. Breezy Palomino is going to be a corn plant this year. That just means wearing brown shoes to represent the dark, rich earth; green legs to be the lushly fertile, planty stems; and a loud sweater to be the life-giving yellow corn itself. This is a photograph of me this morning:

And obviously the Discerning Philistine is going to be a cowboy.

-Lil Bree$y

Things that are Never True

2008-10-30T10:25:00.000-04:00

1) Mmmm, that incense smells great!
2) This is the perfect weather for my fleece jacket and river sandals. I just get so cold up top and hot down bottom.
3) I can't stand it anymore - if the Republicans win, I'm moving to Canada!
4) I found your freestyle very illuminating.
5) I could've never gotten this job without my liberal arts degree.
6) Is there any more barbecued tempeh? It's delicious!
7) I'm not stupid, it's just computers hate me! Every time I get near one, it's like, "Oh no! Here comes Becky, I better just completely boot down or whatever!"

Gettin' Handsy

2008-10-28T23:45:00.005-04:00

A man with no fingers

sucks slightly less than

a man with very long fingernails.

(The Very Hungry Caterpillar)

Still here

2008-10-11T00:12:00.005-04:00

Imagine how angry Zach De La Rocha

got when he heard about Abu Ghraib

-Yo soy

Crazy? No, I say Charisma.

2008-10-09T00:09:00.001-04:00

What Web Empire is This?

2008-10-08T23:55:00.004-04:00

Lest you begin to think you've been reading Concern: The Magazine about Anxiety or its free bi-weekly partner publication Fret here on this site, I have some more traditional Discerning Philistine content for you today.

The Discerning Philistine hates antique shops. They're crammed with all manner of lacy glassware and you can't touch anything. You know that. Plus he hates sloth, and laziness. A lack of professionalism really gets under his Carhartts, and he's no fan of the Yankees.

When he makes a "To Do" list, he writes "Can Do" at the top, because he likes that better. And the man loves ham. Lord, does he love ham, and pork is his favorite vegetable.

Fall

2008-10-07T15:00:00.003-04:00

Do you get very hungry come fall? I do, and my fingers get cold and stiff.

Christ, I could eat a leaf!

Fractals in our Lives Today

2008-10-07T13:57:00.007-04:00

The romanesco is a fractal. It is bright yellow-green, and it is perfect.

It will teach you about emergent behavior, if you let it lead you around the net. Each of its nub spirals comes whirling out of another nub spiral, and I think it must be grown on top of a spiraling pile of dirt on the side of a spiraling mountain.

Sometimes I think about perfect things. The Discerning Philistine finds the concept of perfection insulting, but loves puppies.

Imagine this dog:

Extrapolate the Jindo dog's tail into a fractal. Would you still want that dog? The Jindo dog can housetrain itself. I hear they are sort of jerks but as far as I can tell they are fluffy and their tails are all curled up in the way I like.

But the thing about dogs is, does dog love exhibit emergent behavior? Would you love it and love it more and more if it pees in your house but snuggles you? And should I get one? I'm sure I don't know.

Stuff: What's Up With That?

2008-10-06T20:09:00.005-04:00

This is a special edition directed towards The Very Hungry Caterpillar, who is so much younger than everybody else. The 'Pillar left I comment saying how glad the 'Pillar is to have us back.

Oh, and I'm glad to "bee back," little fuzzy. (Like, picture a bee's back or a shirt made to look like that.) The thing about the internet is you think your photo researcher team will be able to find a photo for every occasion, but it just isn't so. This'll do I guess:

But it isn't really the same as what I am picturing, which is less scientific and softer. So here is a new concept: reality-internet fusion blogging. This is when, for example, I, from here inside the netz, tell you to picture something and you do picture it conceptually INSIDE your meats and bones. And another example is somewhat different but that's when your mom tells you about "a really great YouTube" that she saw so she (I'm sitting upright suddenly, really gettin' after this one) is like REAL WORLD forwarding it to you. She told you it with her mouth and then you just have to take it to the netz and look it up. That happened to me with a thing about neti pots.

NEwayz, did you ever notice how the whites and things write things like "netz", "NEwayz", and "Sup?" What I mean is, slangy things they don't say in real life, making a sort of e-bonics (like e-mail, do you get it?). Just something I noticed over here.

Yours, inside the tubes,

Lil' Bree$y

Hi Friends

2008-10-02T10:45:00.005-04:00

Something that's boring about blogs is the thing where all they are is someone Googling around for something funny you've already seen and then giving it to you. This ends up in me receiving a particular ethnically-targeted video about grandmas some FIVE times in one day. We're all just skimming the sticky top off of the internet - but I personally don't have what it takes to delve beneath.

I'll give you a picture to make rest your eyes:

But I don't want to just give you any videos right now. What do you think about that picture? So funny, right? But like I could see getting into those costumes, it's just your hair would be so smooth and sometimes those tights make your legs cold but the clacky shoes would be f-u-n fun.

I'm sorry, I haven't apologized, I'm just trying to DANCE around it I guess. What I mean is, at least four people really liked to read this and people have been asking about it and it's like, I just left you all hanging, and that's like so f-ed up. When I know my online internet web-based idea log really meant a lot to you. So The Discerning Philistine works a lot, and Terry McNamara is getting educated, but I'm here for you. I'm here. Sh-sh-shhh, I'm here.

I'll do what it takes to win you over, if doing what it takes is:

Typing REALLY FAST!

Thinking of jokes to keep you laughing

and

Looking on the internet some.

-Lil' Bree$y

Hey World

2008-05-08T09:06:00.003-04:00

Hey Guys,

Sorry it's been so long between posts! I've been really busy with my voiceover business. I record skits on a lot of rap artists' ringtones, and I did the laff trak on this film:

My album drops May 15th! It's a conceptual ringtone series, co-sponsored by the LG network. It's a Southern-Rap-Bass-in-your-Fass piece, the theme is "Life is Good," because isn't it just?

Stay Real Breezy.

Musings

2008-04-23T23:39:00.004-04:00

You should look up some videos of those things on YouTube. It's a pretty neat site - I think you'll like it!

Synchro Swimmin'

Drumlines

Dressage - it's really beautiful, right?

Rrrrockin' bloopers vids!

Tips from a pro,
Breezy Palomino

This Just In...

2008-04-18T18:14:00.004-04:00

...yes, that's what she said.

Spring breezes tickle, and Lil' Breezy posts.

In the parcel post, this editor received a communique from Yeaux Michel, our "probably - not actually - French correspondent and a connoisseur of the finer upholstered furnishings of the world." Who is the man behind the press release? Quit being nosy and look at his findings:

Surely you've seen the widely-electronically-mailed story about the soda machine outfits? Or do you waste all your days in the damn sunshine like a god-damn child?

Well that's a fine disguise if you hang out in the soda machine district, as some of you do. But for those of us who hang out in even stickier, sweeter sections of downtown comes this.

It has "scuffmarks and stains around the bottom" - settle in, kids.

MESSAGE!

2008-04-03T22:36:00.003-04:00

Look out Tay Zonday.

I love songs with a message.

Today in the e-Parcel Post

2008-04-01T14:43:00.005-04:00

Today I opened the Lil' Breezy e-parcel postage-mail box and found this gem. Uncles - can't beat 'em!

"I believe in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live there needs to be a message of hope. Just a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace and joy!

"An image that suggests the universal brotherhood of man. I have found that image, and I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it..."

(That sign says "The Beer Store", FYI)

PARTY!!! WOOOOO!!!

2008-03-31T23:59:00.001-04:00

Nothing takes me back to high school like sneaking off with some booze and passing out on the beach.

Giant Babies

2008-03-31T23:01:00.004-04:00

Today's "Beneath Contempt" comes to you from the streets of New York City. Most of our readers are probably familiar with Razor scooters. Sure, I bet your 12 year-old cousin loves hers. But unless you live in New York you've probably never seen a full grown adult using one of these toys as a mode of transportation.
A discerning philistine knows when to put away childish things. It's better to walk then to scoot around looking like a giant baby.

This Month in the Parcel Post!

2008-03-31T22:26:00.005-04:00

The Discerning Philistine adores magazines because they're not so long as books. He's a subscriber:

Leisureman

Debonaire

Big Apple Weekly!

Microwave Magic

Hobbycraftsman

Intellectual Panegyric

Bobbers 'n' Worms

Hungree Man

Pretty Pictures

Fallings

2008-03-20T22:22:00.000-04:00

Every time you lace up your rollerblades, you run the risk of looking like a complete jerkass. And then, you fall.

And speaking of politicians falling from grace:

So you've been eating mac and cheese and drinking 12 lite beers every night for the past few months; but maybe you should sober up before trying to tackle the "freshman 15":

Meat the Editors

2008-03-19T21:40:00.003-04:00

The Editors. What a special privilege for you, to meet the editors!

The first editor we've selected for revelation and study comes to you by dint of spending nights, evenings, and the occasional sundown by the Discerning Philistine's side*. Known as Lil' Breezy to intimates and Breezy Palomino to subordinates, she's Ms. Palomino to you. Her background includes knowing stuff, knowing more than you, and talking - Breezy Palomino is the Discerning Philistine's woman and primary challenger. She brings the feminine touch to this web internet online publication, but that touch is the conduit for the heat of 10,000 suns.
Here is a representative photograph of this, our most female editor:

*Q: But wait - isn't Discerning Philistinism a lifestyle choice, not an individual?
A: Yes. However, there is an ass for every seat and a muse for every online web internet publishing empire.
Q: And so Ms. Palomino is 1,000 feet tall?
A: Obviously.

Semi-Automatic Freedom

2008-03-19T09:02:00.009-04:00

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

-the Second Amendment to the Constitution

As I interpret these words, I am faced with a realization. This is a crisp clear declaration by the government of the United States that the people shall never be denied the tools needed to defend themselves from future aggressions imposed or sponsored by that government. This week we have seen a Supreme Court ruling lifting a ban on hand guns in the District of Columbia. I say ban the little guys. They are the leverage of the thug and the criminal. Above we are guaranteed the weapons of the citizen army. The militia in today's world needs 50 cal anti-tank rifles and assault weapons. With this in mind I would like to introduce you to a true patriot living these words, and his pudgy goth daughter.

NXNE photo recap

2008-03-18T16:52:00.012-04:00

well as many of you already know, the giant music industry shindig , "South by South West" happened this past weekend. This is an event that happens annually, where many many hip.ster bands, managers, booking agents, assorted music industry hangers-on, and many other bands gather in Austin Texas to play shows, go to shows, get sweaty, smelly , drunk, and just downright unpleasant to be around. Those of us who boycotted SXSW this year, and happen to live on the north Atlantic seaboard, attended NXNE. NXNE provides attendees with a chance to not leave the house, peruse the exhaustive internet coverage of SXSW, ridicule it, and feel good about ourselves for not going. So! without further ado, here are some highlights from this years NXNE:

Wink!

2008-03-18T16:43:00.002-04:00

The Discerning Philistine is terrified of medical deformities.

Failings

2008-03-12T19:22:00.007-04:00

Spitzer Resigns, Citing Personal Failings
Governor Eliot Spitzer, who rose to power as a fierce enforcer of ethics in public life, was undone by revelations of his own involvement with prostitutes.

The Discerning Philistine does not shy away from telling you how to live your life (just like somebody I know... I'm looking at you, former Governor Spitzer). However, if sleeping with a prostitute is a personal failing, then I must take responsibility for my failings as well.

Although I did not smash with high class hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupré, I may j-off to her MySpace profile later: clearly a failing and I will take full responsibility for it.

And if having a little bit of a beer belly is a failing, I take responsibility for that as well. Did I need that last beer? No. But did I want it? Yes I did, badly, and I for that I accept responsibility.

If having a little credit card debt is a personal failing, then I take responsibility for all $13,000 dollars of it. The remaining $5,000 are by no means my fault and I cannot explain those charges at this time.

And, finally, if peeing the bed while high on muscle relaxers and hammered drunk is a failing, then it is a forgivable one. But I suppose I must take full responsibility for it as well.

Hockey Fights Suck

2008-03-12T18:01:00.005-04:00

This fight:

sucks slightly less than

this fight:

Reader Inquiries

2008-03-11T13:59:00.009-04:00

We at Scoff lightly strive to maintain an appearance of regard for our reader's opinions. In the interest of maintaining this semblance of interest, we hesitantly welcome your questions regarding Scoff Magazine and the lifestyle constraints of the Discerning Philistine.

Here are a few sample inquiries to guide your own:

Q: Does the Discerning Philistine have a life partner?
A: In many cases, yes. Our muse's girlfriend's poop smells like watermelons and she is 1,000 feet tall.

Q: Scoff has a muse?
A: Yes.

Q: I'd love to know more...
A: In due time.

Q: How many people does the Discerning Philistine's car accommodate?
A: About eight, legally.

Q: Is the selection process for these passengers grueling?
A: Yes, very.

Please send your inquiries to discerning.philistine@gmail.com. They will be reviewed with as soon as we please.

The Discerning Philistine has a Mother too, You Know

2008-03-11T09:05:00.008-04:00

The Discerning Philistine scoffs at internet, but loves his mother. If she sees fit to issue an email touting monitor cleaning, who is the Discerning Philistine to leave it un-forwarded?

"Fwd: bulletin--monitor cleaning important

It is now recommended that the inside of all monitors be cleaned. Please make sure you access this site to do so.

Thanks.

http://www.tcvh.com/screenclean.swf"

From this Month's Playboy Interview

2008-03-10T21:37:00.002-04:00

Interview with Chad Kroeger, [Canadian] lead singer of Nickleback.

"We've had people say a lot of bad things about us. How is it possible to have everyone hate us? If my music is fucking up your life, change the station, dude. I'm just some guy who sings in a rock-and-roll band. I'm not Hitler."

Playboy: Do you have middle-American tastes in everything? TV, cars, beer, movies, books?
Kroeger: You could probably scratch books off that list! (laughs). I like car chases, explosions, big boobs - same things middle American likes.

Important Video

2008-03-09T23:52:00.000-04:00

Features to Anticipate

2008-03-09T23:28:00.000-04:00

The Discerning Philistine has wide-ranging, though specific, tastes. The Staff at Scoff will be printing a variety of features to keep you abreast of these tastes, including, but not limited to:

From the Editors' Desks
Important Videos
Things that Suck Slightly Less than Other Things
Middle School Minds
Calls from a Southern Gentleman
Significant Interviews
Beneath Contempt
What's Really Good, Ma?
The Tortellini Tribune
Final Exam
"Critics"

The first Scoff intro post, EVER!

2008-03-09T19:20:00.000-04:00

First of all, Welcome to Scoff: for the Discerning Philistine. Here are a couple of ground rules: you will never see the word "blog" printed in this online internet web journal. We find the whole phenomenon repugnant. This internet web based journal is simply meant as an outlet for thoughts and feelings held by the Discerning Philistine. Scoff is more like a magazine than some kind of internet based web journal but we don't have the necessary capital for investment in publishing nor do we have the time needed to dedicate to publishing such a magazine.

A few words on who the Discerning Philistine is: the Discerning Philistine might drive a 1978 Chevy Impala station wagon that, perhaps, he bought for $300. The Discerning Philistine could have a BFA from a very prestigious liberal arts university yet disdain art, poetry, jazz music, and network news.

The Discerning Philistine might be well read. He should be respected by his peers and rarely crossed. He works with his hands, perhaps creating cabinets with the finest of African hardwoods, but finds architects pretentious. He favors the parcel post and sees the value of the "forever" stamp. He should be an outdoors man, such as a hunter, but only pursuing fowl and paying close attention to lunar and tide charts. The Discerning Philistine is not a regular drug user, but knows a guy who can get you pain killers nobody's ever heard of. He would certainly know how to appreciate a five-course lunch.

The Discerning Philistine will call bullshit when he sees it and has no time for the pretenses of high culture at large.